Cancer Travels: Flick Thorpe's Blog

Flick’s memorial service will be this Sat 14th Aug at 15:00

Flick — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 16:40:39 +0000

Hello all, the service of thanksgiving for Flick will be this Saturday 14^th August at 3pm in:

St Andrews Church
Lower Green
Main Street
West Linton
EH46 7EE

With a reception and celebration of Flick’s life after the service, at Creagan, Deanfoot Road, West Linton EH46 7DX going on into the wee hours.

Children very welcome.

We have added some poems below. Please add your own anecdotes, poems or comments to the blog.

Love to you all, Henry, James and Thomas

Flick would like donations (rather than flowers) to:

Maggie’s Centre:
http://www.maggiescentres.org/maggies/maggiescentres/home/eventsfundraising/giving/introduction.html

Marie Curie:
http://www.mariecurie.org.uk/supportus/waystodonate/

For Flick

Flick — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 16:35:20 +0000

Resonance [work in progress]

Defn : a sympathetic effect beyond its immediate meaning

Education and its power to liberate and transform.
Theatre trips chased by wine fuelled wisdom,
Rocking beats triggering links to more youthful lives,
Cohen magic and humility on a driech summer evening.
Collective efforts in joyful ageing celebrations and
Helping friends dealing with all those trials of life.
Experiences expanded through global tales and new
Friends now connected in Flicks extended family.
Unlikely threads becoming visible and stronger.
Resolute in thankful happy common purpose.

John McCann, August 2010

Sleeping in the Forest

I thought the earth remembered me,
she took me back so tenderly,
arranging her dark skirts, her pockets
full of lichens and seeds.
I slept as never before, a stone on the river bed,
nothing between me and the white fire of the stars
but my thoughts, and they floated light as moths
among the branches of the perfect trees.
All night I heard the small kingdoms
breathing around me, the insects,
and the birds who do their work in the darkness.
All night I rose and fell, as if in water,
grappling with a luminous doom. By morning
I had vanished at least a dozen times
into something better.

from Sleeping In The Forest by Mary Oliver,
New and Selected Poems Volume 1, Twelve Moons 1979

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

Marie Curie Hospice – Friday 6th Aug 2010 10:15am

Flick — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 21:02:33 +0000

Flick died peacefully this morning in the Marie Curie hospice.

She is an inspiration to us all. An amazing mother, wife, lover, sister, daughter, teacher and friend. Her spirit and memory will live on in our hearts.

When the funeral arrangements are in place we will post them on the blog.

Celebrate Flick’s life and memory, share the good times with friends and pass on the news.

Flick would like donations (rather than flowers) to:

Maggie’s Centre

Marie Curie

Marie Curie Hospice – Thurs 5th Aug 7.25pm

Flick — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 20:34:18 +0000

Well, things have moved forward hugely into what feels like a very completely different space.

Last night I was desperate, on my knees. When H came round I was begging him for a pill to help me die. I just felt so exhausted and unable to go on, that it was all such a struggle.

H and I were trying so hard and working so hard to get little bits of nutrition in place – rice protein, hot water and ginger tea with sugar, two scoops a day of protein. A great joy was I could drink carefully and I enjoyed hot rice protein etc. But I had to work at it.

Anyway, decided boys should come in with R later to say “good night”. They arrived very upset and I basically told them I was dying. They cried and cried, J can’t stop. I spoke as honestly as I say here. Soon, all cried out, they left…..

I’m finding it very hard to focus on this, keep drifting…. I hope someone is going to be able to make sense of this.

H stayed the night. I started taking diamorphine to keep comfortable. I hadn’t accepted how much pain I was in and have never realised how it was treatable or accepted. It’s been so good to get comfortable.

So this morning I was so much more comfortable when D and L came in to see me. We decided we’re on the right track: the criteria are happiness and comfort – a challenge I know. But not continuation of life.

The boys came back in and we had a session to explain that although – obviously I hadn’t died, that I would be quite soon. J is crying all the time and phoned to talk, desperate for me to be able to get better, understandably wanting me to do something.

I realise that I need to stop eating, which feels now like a relief. So I had protein this morning but not tonight. I’m still enjoying weak Ribena. I can’t focus anymore…

H and boys got to wedding in Canada, yay!

Flick — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 13:23:12 +0000

They left on Tuesday last at 4 am, picked up their RV on Thursday and headed up to Matt and Sara’s wedding at the cottage in Killarney yesterday. Apparently it was a lovely day – I was thinking of them at each stage. I just feel so happy for them all, not at all unhappy that I’m not there because I just can’t conceive of being anywhere but in bed here, where I’ve been all week. I’m not well, tho some dexemethazone through the pump driver is helping, and I’m getting injections of nozinan anti-sickness.
Have been looked after 24 hrs a day by a rota of friends, utterly amazing. J moved in last week at a moment’s notice when N fell ill, and D came up from London on the sleeper on Friday. M, back from hols, moves in tonight, boys back Thurs am. Others have been coming in for a few hours or run errands etc. And of course, the medics have been on full alert with nurses coming in twice a day or more. Tomorrow I will see the docs again to try to get this sickness sorted. Meanwhile I’m happy with my friends, and even happier that boys made it to wedding.

Cornwall

Flick — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 08:54:54 +0000

Sitting in bay window of the hotel overlooking the surf on the rocks of the headland – my favourite occupation since arriving on Wednesday last. So pleased we made it. The e ever-changing sea is a constant pleasure, we have a suite looking right out over the waves, and I have spent a lot of time sitting contemplating or reading ‘Hullabaloo in the guava orchard’, kiran Desai, very funny. The boys have been body boarding and playing tennis and becoming experts at bat and ball on the beach!
Mum came two visit as planned, spending Friday night here, and R came for the day yesterday and took her home. She seems well and gearing up for her trip to Toronto on Tuesday. R looking fit and tanned, ands with photos of some good new paintings.
I’ve not been too well. Had to get the district nurses in because my pu p was pushing the anti-sickness into the skin instead of me. So they re-sited the needle but 36 hours later the same thing happened. Basically, this means that I start being very very sick. As it was 9 pm on a Saturday night, I persuaded H to change the site, which he did expertly, and this morning I feel better again. Had a bit of breakfast, and boys heading off for a last body board. Had intended to visit Greenway, Agatha Christie ‘s house, which has been open thru the National Trust for a year or so, but after the shenanigans of last night and me feeling ill we decided not. I’m feeling a bit daunted by the journey back, specially as we saw lots of stationery traffic heading north on the way down!

Under the weather

Flick — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:57:46 +0000

Yes, the silence was a bit ominous…. I’ve been really rather unwell. Went into hospital last Monday 28th June to try and sort things out, by which time I was puking up more than I was consuming. Drained 3 litres. Was getting some IV fluids but by Tuesday realized these were going straight into my abdomen rather than my tissues so halted those. Did manage to find and anti-nausea that works. I came back home on Friday, with pump which works quite well. Have since improved slightly – enough to be heading down to Cornwall tomorrow to stay in a nice hotel for a few days and catch up with Mum before she heads off to Canada (we were meant to have gone yesterday, we still hope H and the boys will go next week).
Everyone’s been great – my sister in law holding the fort while I was in hosp, others visiting, fetching, carrying, bringing wonderful garden flowers. Love and thanks to all. See you soon.

Three pills and a pump

Flick — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 12:16:28 +0000

Trying everything to get this sickness under control – three different pills which haven’t stopped me being sick, so now waiting for nurse to come and put in a subcutaneous pump for 24 hrs or so. Evenings are worse, but some days it’s been from the morning. I’m fairly exhausted by it all, and – needless to say – can’t help fretting about our trip to Toronto on 5th. We’ve discuseed options and feel we can’t make any decisions till next week after I’ve been into hospital to be drained etc (probably Monday or Tuesday). I really, really want to go, and am still hoping desperately that we can get this sickness sorted soon so that I can.
Meanwhile friends, family and medics have been fab: lots of encouragement and support, visits, books, gardening – and my flowers from my birthday still look lovely. I’ve been meditating to some wonderful Tibetan snging bowl music that L sent me, and yesterday N drove over from East Lothian with an actual bowl that she’d borrowed from a friend.
Jamie texted to say he’s having ‘a great time’ in Hendaye – phew! and here it’s quiet and peaceful with just the three of us: Tom’s has lots of homework and he and H been watching Wimbledon and the World Cup.

A few little expeditions and a poem

Flick — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 13:12:02 +0000

Went to Maggie’s on Friday and handed in cheques for £207 from the tea party. It was the last Art therapy class which was a very good session for me – did a pastel from Mary Oliver’s poem ‘Morning poem’ and had a significant click about where I am at the moment. Here it is:

Every morning
the world
is created.
Under the orange

sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again

and fasten themselves to the high branches –
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands

of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails

for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it

the thorn
that is heavier than lead —
if it’s all you can do
to keep on trudging —

there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted —

each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,

whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.

from Dream Work (1986) by Mary Oliver
© Mary Oliver
Oh, how I would like to be swimming along the soft trails!
Saturday morning H and the boys did bits of the Edinburgh-St Andrews cycle run (Thomas got to Dunfermline, managing the Forth Road Bridge despite his vertigo, and Jamie did 48 miles), their first attempt – keen to do it again next year. I went with friend H and her mother-in-law R to garden centre on Saturday and bought verbena, petunias and lobelia for the pots on the deck – and some pretty bacopa, which I’d not heard of before. Fortunately it turns out R is a knowledgeable gadener and she’s coming to plant up for me tomorrow.
And yesterday we had a lovely Quaker meeting OUTSIDE at Wiston. It was in the shade but I was thoughtfully provided with a big warm blanket, and as the morning went on, the sun peeked above the trees and warmed my face, bliss. After meeting, we talked about the ambulance convoy to Gaza, and generally about war and peace….
But afternoons and evenings aren’t good for me. Sick and weak. I’ve had to forego more things than I’ve been to – in fact, I haven’t been out in the evening since I can remember. Saddest of all, friend A and I’ve been planning to go to a Jackson Brown concert tonight for months and I finally decided yesterday I just wouldn’t be up to it.
Glorious day again today. I spend little intervals warming up on the deck and then retreat to the cool of the sofa or the bedroom….

Wish I felt better ….

Flick — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 16:22:05 +0000

I was woken up at 7 am this morning by a baritone chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’ – Jamie’s voice is SO deep now and Thomas is not a morning person! They gave me wonderful presents and cards as they all scrambled into bed with strawberry cream scones. I refrained, which they expected, and enjoyed my rooibos. After they’d gone I lay in bed reading H’s present – an anthology of poems by Mary Oliver – which I swear made me feel better than I’ve felt for ages.
Had a really enjoyable tea-party yesterday: 10 of us, all strawberries and cream and pretty china, with cupcakes and little sandwiches and good tea! Others did all the work and all I had to do before was have my nails painted and make-up so well done that everyone said I looked really good! I’d asked for donations instead of cards and we raised over £200 for Maggie’s Cancer Care Centres. Didn’t feel great, but enjoyed it all nonetheless.
I’m really not well. Can’t eat anything much and weight’s dropping off too quickly. My tummy just won’t work properly so have to take medication and still not right. Feel pretty uncomfortable most of the time, and quite weak. All the medics on board and v supportive and we hope this bout of SABO (sub acute bowel obstruction) will pass, or will have to consider alternatives. That all sounds very stark, but I know that sometimes the blog makes me sound better than I am.
I have very good friends, near and far, and feel very lucky. Thanks to all who have been in touch and phoned and texted and sent cards and presents. And thanks to D for coming to stay…..